U.S. Goes to War for Turkey

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Donald Trump, the dimwitted Dipshit-in-Chief, came out strongly Tuesday night at another one of his ego-stroking rallies against any and all effort to change the name of the Thanksgiving holiday, despite there being absolutely no evidence to do so in the United States.

The sun-downing senior citizen made the remarks during another meandering and nonsensical speech in front of cultists, paid actors and illegal immigrants temporarily released from cages to fill in seats at these increasingly low attendance events. Trump himself described the speech as “ranting and raving’ to his dozens of supporters, stating,”You know, some people want to change the name ‘Thanksgiving’, they don’t want to use the term ‘Thanksgiving’.” He further claimed, “And that was true also with Christmas but now everyone’s using Christmas again, remember I said that? But now we’re going to have to do a little work on Thanksgiving, people have different ideas, why it shouldn’t be called Thanksgiving but everybody in this room I know loves the name ‘Thanksgiving’ and we’re not changing it.”

Even the most ardent of Trump’s supporters admit there is no concerted effort to change the name of the Thanksgiving holiday. Trump’s favorite Fox and Friends fluffer Brian Kilmeade told us “I don’t think anyone is trying to do that” during a segment reviewing Trump’s word salad speech before returning to his home under Trump’s saggy sac.

However, drunk driving enthusiast and Congressional representative from Florida, Matt Gaetz, reached out to us from inside a secure SCIF in the basement of the Capitol via cellphone, violating numerous laws, for comment. He said ” I have heard some of my more liberal colleagues refer to Thanksgiving as Friendsgiving or Turkey Day as recently as yesterday. They will stop at nothing to turn us into a snowflake socialist country while holding ILLEGAL hearings in secret rooms. Another fake news reporter referred to the holiday as ‘Thursday, November 28th’. I don’t even understand what that means,” Gaetz slurred as he shotgunned a cranberry sauce flavored White Claw.

Bread and Butter, the two turkeys pardoned by Trump earlier in the day had this to add, “The ‘war on Christmas’ was made up by Fox News and Trump repeatedly parrots those mouth breathing morons, just as he has with the border wall and supporting accused war criminals, so is any of this really surprising to anyone? There never was a war on Christmas, there is no war on Thanksgiving or any other holiday, but he is so frail and fragile he has continuously sought praise for those fights nonetheless. Now, if we could discuss more pressing issues, such as the inhumane conditions throughout the turkey processing industry, and the meat processing industry…” Two shotgun blasts ended this interview prior to its completion. Rob Gronkowski, donning only an orange hunting vest, was seen fleeing the scene, shotgun in hand.

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